It's taken me weeks, months even, but today I am proud to announce the defeat of Castlevania's Dracula/Dracula Demon thing via my Windows Mobile NES emulator...while pooping.
It has been a long and arduous journey. It begins with a simple man and his whip. For the sake of this story we will call him Billy...
As I begin my descent into the foul smelling dungeon, I hear only a feint mixture of throaty grunting and flatulence noises. I pause. I tell myself "Billy...You're ready for this." I proceed again with caution. Around me lie corpses, and unidentified pools of fluid. As I pass, I sense an odd aura to this place.
Whip in hand I approach an iron-clad door. The door has no visible markings or handle, yet I'm certain that it is in fact a door. I begin to brush the cobwebs and cockroaches away from what looks to be a lock of some sort. I notice there is a feint message written in what looks to be ancient Transylvanian symbols. I translate to the best of my ability..."Vacantosia." What could this mean?
Using the tip of my whip I gently pry open the door. It's always best to lead with your whip, you never know what manner of foul beasts lie beyond closed doors. I enter the room slowly. It's dark and noticeably colder. I attempt to inspect my dimly lit surroundings. BANG! I spin around, whip ready. The door slammed shut...no matter. I came here for a purpose and I shall complete my mission before searching for another way out.
Without the moonlight to guide my hand, I am forced to poke my whip around aimlessly. I hear a soft click and almost instantly feel warm breeze. "Candles?" Thousands of candles burst into flame. My prey is aware of my intrusion. "Push on" I tell myself.
The room is now very bright, yet still very cold. These candles seem to defy logic? I bring a small scrap of paper out of my pocket and over to the closest flame. Nothing! There is no evidence that the visible flame is even burning. "Is it possible that I've under-estimated his power?"
I see what appears to be a throne just a few meters ahead. The ancient texts speak of "De-throning the Master." Could this be that simple? I approach the throne with great anxiety. It appears to have been carved from human remains. Bones of all sorts protrude from it's every edge...beautiful in it's own way. I gently loosen my armor so that I may sit. With every muscle tightened I lower myself into place.
Nothing. Maybe the secret lies in some other area of this dungeon? Then it hits me! A freezing pain shoots up my thighs. The throne is frozen and I'm frozen to it! As the pain becomes even more debilitating I thrash wildly trying to remove myself from it's icy clutches. It is no use. It has me right where it wants me.
And now for the exciting conclusion! Last we left Billy, he had become one with the icy throne...compelling stuff!
With a fiery roar I hear him burst forth. The pain is indescribeable. All I can make out is a solid white mask. The sounds and smells in this place are horrible now. My ears begin to bleed from the thunderous rumbles. I smell nothing but thick clouds of sulfur tainted death. I this it? Shall this be my end? I hear distant and disturbing laughter as my eyes begin to close.
NO! I must fight! This must be done! An instant burst of energy hits me and I am able to scramble to my feet. Ignoring the pain, I lunge forward whip in hand. The beast predicts my attack and quickly retaliates with a searing cloud of vapor. Much to my surprise, I am immune to this attack? Thinking fast, I lash out with my whip. It makes solid contact with the masked head of the beast.
With a loud crack, the mask pops off and splashes into the disgusting ooze which covers the floor. A breath a sigh of relief. A wave of calm blankets my body. I have fulfilled the prophecy. "Once again my town can live in peace."
I begin to unseat myself from the throne. Without a moments notice a shock wave rips through the room. Not only does it force me back to the throne, it greatly amplifies the surrounding candles. They now emit a great deal of heat and I can feel my armor beginning to scald my skin. I clamor to remove my grieves and plate mail.
Out of nowhere I hear a high-pitched squeal. "My God!" With a grumble in my stomach I hear this huge monster come forth. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," I scream. "I thought you were finished!" Without warning the monster leaps forward. Black as night, and covered in a thick slime it lets out an angry roar. Again I begin to writhe in pain. It's all I can do to flail my whip wildly toward what appears to be it's head.
The monster grabs the tip of my whip and begins to pull me toward his mangled body with the greatest of ease. I quickly scan the floor for anything which will free me from this demon's grasp. A sparkle catches my eye. Tightly locked between the decaying fingers of one of the corpses I see some sort of bottle. As the beast lets out another incredible roar I reach out my left arm to retrieve the bottle. The blue bottle is adorned with many religious markings. "Holy Water!" I exclaim.
I quickly toss the bottle toward the beast. The demon releases yet another high-pitched squeal, this one clearly intended as a defensive maneuver. Centimeters before the bottle strikes it's face, it shatters. However, this time the monster would not be so lucky...for the fluid's momentum was still in tact. As the glass container fragments away, the fluid simply explodes all over the creature.
The beast recoils in pain. Moaning and screaming, it attempts to wipe the flesh searing water from it's eyes. During the struggle, my whip was freed from it's clutches. No time to spare, I lashed my whip around the monster's neck. With every ounce of my remaining strength, I pull tight.
The monster almost immediately falls to his knees. With his airway pinched, the strength leaves his body at an accelerated rate. As I tighten my grip, his body starts shrinking and changing back into what appears to be almost human. His attempts to remove the whip from around his throat begin to slow.
Now, on my feet, I prep my stance for the killing blow. With a quick yank, I remove this foul creatures head. Blood runs down the torso as the head falls into the muck. I recoil my whip as the body bursts into flames. "It is done."
With a quick flash, all of candles are extinguished. The door through which I came creeps open to reveal the light of dawn. I gather my armor. With a few quick pulls and snaps, I am ready to return to my town a great hero.
So then I wiped my ass, washed my hands and went back to work. I'm thinking maybe Kid Icarus next?
I am proud to announce that NinjaCamp.com had 79 (COUNT THEM!) unique visitors between Tuesday and Wednesday of this very week! I'm not sure which of our amazingly fantastic posts are drawing you fuckers in...but keep coming! I promise to give you fresh content on a non-regular cycle, and eventually force you to buy our t-shirts and video games!
The Squadron has an interesting post about the new in-game battle-bots that Mountain Dew has so generously provided to the World of Warcraft.
So I had to ask myself, how old does your MMO have to be before it's prime for whoring? I assume that players (who pay for this game monthly mind you) will just bend over and love the fact that Mt. Dew is ramming a battle-bot up their asses, but what could this lead to?
I guess I won't complain since I'm enjoying the battle-bot ass ramming as much as everyone else, but I'm still going to say "I told you so" when we have to start referring to The Taco Bell Undercity or grinding faction with the Vagisil Raiders.
Enough rambling though...I want to talk about the pant ripping boner that is Castlevania: Lords of Shadows. Finally, Konami is taking this license seriously! Fucking Patrick Stewart! That's what I'm talking about! I'll be waxing my whip every day until this little bastard hits store shelves.
All in all, good job out there! I'm fairly pleased with the announcements of E3 2009. I would probably be even more pleased if GOD DAMN NinjaCamp was there, in person, checking booth babes for breast cancer!