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No help from my ninja!

Ninja S is gone!

I mean, he's not really gone, or dead, or anything...he's just in Spain. You know...secret ninja stuff. It happens.

The real problem is what do I do without my ninjariffic cohort?

My first inclination was to do nothing at all...but that just isn't going to build the web traffic. So now I'm thinking I'll just do the post myself. I mean, how hard could it be?

Let's see here...I'll need to come up with a story. Hmmm....think. Maybe something about ninjas? Ya, ninjas are a good topic. OK, now I need a about prepping classic games for 2010? Ya, that's good! We need to update old games so that they will impress the generation LMNOP kids.

OK, so let's focus on the best of the best...Ninja Gaiden! This classic masterpiece needs just a bit of tweaking to blow the socks of those gen whatever kids.

Already looking good and I haven't even touched it! I mean look at this guy! He's at least twice as tall as the tallest building in the city; which coincidentally is exploding (bet he had a hand in that). His muscles are so big that they are actually fighting against each other for prime bicep real estate. Hell, even his forearms are ribbed for her pleasure!

Ya, I'd say we're off to good start!

So what will the kids of tomorrow look for in their games? Hmmm...candy? No...ummm...ponies? Nah...not that. Ahh, I got it! Guns!

It's a proven fact that the 6-12 year old demographic just loves guns! We get letters all of the time saying "this game needs more guns!"

Swords are for pussies's all about guns in Y2K10!

Hmmm...something is still missing. Ahhh...of course...missiles! 85% of 14-18 year old gamers won't even play games lacking a six missile per hour minimum. Let's just fix that up...

That looks good, but it really needs that one extra thing that future gamers will be able to identify with.

Come to think of it, the fastest growing segment of gamers is female. Maybe we need a little bling and indecent exposure to keep up with their idols?

There you go...I think we nailed it!

Hopefully Ninja S comes back soon or next week I am going to have to update Spelunker!
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Let's sell this Ninja!

You know, it's been quite a while since I've talked about company business with you Ninjas. My're dying to find out how NinjaCamp's four step plan is working out.

Long story short, we're not millionaires yet. I know...shocker right? We are however willing to make this company successful or die trying!

Because of our "nuts in the soup" style tenacity, I'm here to announce NinjaCamp's first ever ad campaign! We're calling it Project Hamsicle, and it's going to blow your socks off!

Unlike some other companies, who are so busy rolling around on top of a pile of money that they can give their games away for free, NinjaCamp is actually raising the cost of our merchandise. That's right! Starting today, we're bringing our jealousy and angst directly to the consumer by jacking all of our t-shirts up one cent!

Project Hamsicle aims to give the finger to all of the people who have yet to support us. How will Hamsicle do this you ask? BANNERS!

Ummm Hmmm...SUCK IT! We know how much our demographic hates advertising, so we're launching a full scale assault on them with these first three.

Now you might be saying "this really isn't that insulting?" That's why I wanted to make sure you knew that this is only the first step of Project Hamsicle. Step two starts to incorporate our patented Babyvertising then it's all down hill from there!

Prepare yourself! MWAHAHAHAHA...
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Communicating with Classic Gaming

Asking someone to marry you using Super Mario World is both cute and brilliant. You're basically adding an extra peice of bacon to the fun sandwich.

Come to think of it, I think this could just change communication as we know it! What's better than tossing a few helpful reminders into our favorite games?

See...this is perfect! Not only do you get to play a great'll no longer forget that you need more milk. How can it get any better?

Oh, I have an idea! You've been searching high and low for a way to give your significant other that subtle hint...

This is the ideal way to get the message accross without causing any sort of ruckus.

But what if 70s bush is your thing? Well, you are sure to need this one...

Nothing says "I'm sorry I pooped in the dryer" like Racoon Mario!

This concept really starts to take flight when you have some bad news...

Now nobody will blame you for losing the baby. I mean, after a few hours of Contra they'll be saying "what baby?"

And what about breaking the news to your best friend?

A couple of beers later and you just might find yourself in a hot little three-way!

So, as you can see...this highly effective form of communication is truly a sign of things to come. I encourage all of you to go forth and spread the word...but don't forget your NES.
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Even Ninja's fall prey to the RROD

It's true…it happened…the dreaded Red Ring of Death has stricken my Xbox. I've been training for years to avoid this exact type of sneak attack, alas…I was not quick enough.

You see, in an effort to spend as much money as humanly possible, Microsoft has inserted a nano-particle explosive inside of each and every Xbox360. This tiny but deadly blast perfectly destroys your hardware while Bill Gates rolls around naked in piles of money. Genius really.

In light of this inconvenient situation, I thought I might branch out from the gaming world and see what sorts of things I've been missing.

Due to my degenerate video game addiction, my first attempt at assimilation back into reality didn't stray far from my comfort zone. Using any sort of gaming as a crutch, I gravitated toward the classic game of Cribbage.

Unfortunately, I was asked to leave the old folks home after killing that bitch Sally. I warned her to stop taking bathroom breaks during critical moments, but that whore just wouldn't give it a rest!

Since my initial plan didn't say "go as planned" I tried to find another activity that would suit my "special" needs.

Obviously, pumpkin carving was perfect! I mean, it is the correct time of year, plus I get to play with swords and fire…how could this go wrong?

Sure enough, little Billy next store wouldn't shut the hell up about me carving a "Dora the Explorer" pumpkin for him. I told him…I only carve ninja pumpkins and I'll be a hooker if that little bastard didn't mutter something anti-Semitic. Long story short…Billy's not going to have to make a list for Santa this year.

I started thinking that nothing would cure my Xbox blues (reds), when it hit me…I love giving food to the homeless!

Damn It! These fucking homeless with their shifty eyes! I tried to give a man an ice creme cone and he starts attacking me with the ancient art of optical karate. Thankfully he was homeless, so nobody will miss him.

At this point I'm pretty confident that nothing will satisfy my lust for gaming when I finally realize exactly what I need…World Peace! This is the answer I've been...

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This ain't yo momma's Xbox

So the cat's out of the bag…yes, it's true, gave Lil Wayne a modded Xbox!

Now before you be getting up on my shit…step off! We just a couple of ninjas trying to make it in this world.

You see, on top of running the tightest website the internet has to offer, NinjaS and I are in the business of bringing some extra bling to all of our rap star ninjas out there.

We've actually been doing this little side business for years. I'm surprised it took this long to hit the tubes. I guess, since the spinners are already rollin, we might as well introduce you to our current line-up of modded 360s.

This first box is flossin from grill to stripper pole!

You're looking at our top of the line model, Mister T's Delight. Featuring enough bling to blind Stevie Wonder, this system is sure to impress. Your peeps will instantly know who's the boss with the 24-karat, diamond studded grill and matching Rolex faceplate.

Plus, nothing screams "classy" like a striper pole…and we've got you covered! This hot box comes standard with a regulation sized pole and young white girl named Candy who just loves it when you make it rain.

Next up, we've got just what the doctor ordered…hydroponics!

This Green Machine won't be lowering your electric bills anytime soon, but it will be pumping out five pounds of rapper-grade ganja weekly. Better yet, you don't even have to pay the stripper as she'll simply live off grass! This x-unit comes with an extra large water pipe, and *cough* *cough* medical growing prescription.

Finally, our most popular model, the The Immortal.

With looks that could stop a bullet, The Immortal arrives protected by a thick glaze of afro sheen. Designed for "rough play," we encourage you to ghost ride the whip with this shawty in toe. Featuring a solid platinum Rolls Royce emblem, the ladies won't question who's packin the kielbasa tonight!

Well, there you have it…our full line of rapper modded 360s. I think you'll agree, I love my ninjas!
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One mouse to rule them all

I'm saddened to say that my Logitech MX Revolution has one foot in the grave, and Logitech is ignoring my cry for help. You might think a $100 mouse (old retail) would warrant some sort of company response?

Thank you for purchasing our most expensive, high-tech mouse.

At Logitech we do everything in our power to make sure our customers feel like they've wasted their hard-earned dollars on a piece of absolute shit. Because of this, I'm writing to inform you that we are not interested in fixing any problems you're currently experiencing. In fact, we think you are a fucking asshole and would appreciate it greatly if you continued to buy our newest and most expensive shit.

In lieu of any sort of replacement we will be fedex-ing a box of human excrement, overnight, to your door. Please except this "gift" as a token of our appreciation.

Your friends…FUCK YOU!

So, long story short, I've been in the market for a new mouse.

Last time I bought a mouse (the MX was a gift) it had two buttons and the scroll wheel was an optional feature. Let's just say now-a-days the mouse market is fairly different.

Since I am, of course, a "hard-core" gamer, I thought it only fitting that I begin shopping for what they now call gaming mice. Little did I know that gaming mice come in so many flavors.

To start, it appears most new gaming mice require the use of at least two hands. I mean, these fucking things have tons of programmable buttons, wheels, gyroscopes, composite materials, non-composite materials, bacon… I mean, they are insane!

So I tried my best to focus on what I really want. Based on my needs I came up with these simple requirements: wireless, inexpensive and comfortable. Simple enough right? Wrong!

First off, gaming mice aren't wireless! Amazing, I know. Technology that we've had since umm, say 1812, isn't available to gamers for reasonable rates. OK, so scratch that. Comfortable? If you consider a lemon wrapped in razors comfortable for your everyday gaming…buy anything currently on the market. Other than that…they all feel like I'm grabbing an old ladies wrinkled sausage. So inexpensive?? Ya right! If you want more than one button and a sack of jimmies you're paying for it! These little bastards go as high as $130 each!

Clearly the world at large doesn't have the kind of mouse I need! So I give up! NO! Ninjas don't give up! Rather than dishonor my gaming ancestors I hit the garage and fashioned myself the one mouse to rule them all. I'm calling it "The NinjaCamp Sexmouse Bratwurst 9000" and boy is it a dandy.

Powered by dual Millennium Falcon reactors, this mouse aims to complete the Kessel Run in less than six parsecs. The housing is crafted entirely from vibrators used only on the cleanest of porno stars, while the buttons are made from hand-carved black diamonds. The quad-exhaust system helps to maintain a perfectly comfortable surface temperature of 72.8 degrees fahrenheit.

During the initial set-up procedure, the doberman pinscher will be acclimated to your scent whereas from that point forward he will sherd the fingers of any non-authorized users. The coffee maker produces up to two gallons of perfectly sweetened/creamed coffee every 20 minutes, during which time the psionic control system massages your testicular region.

You want a wireless gaming mouse? NinjaCamp says "fuck wireless, hello telepathy!" That's right, this is the first mouse to use a special band of telepathic communication to communicate directly with the mainframe that hosts your favorite online game. Lag becomes a thing of the past when the mouse is actually capable of predictive time travel!

Oh, and don't think we left out the features you need to destroy the competition. This mouse features an array of anti-asshole missiles designed to literally kill that 13 year dick job who's been spawn camping you for the last nine hours. With a simple flick of the wrist, a volley of Navy grade surface-to-sea-to-air-to-surface missiles will take care of that asshole, and his closest relatives. Talk about cleaning out the gene pool…this mouse has everything!

You might think that these great features are going to break the bank, but you would be wrong. The NinjaCamp Sexmouse Bratwurst 9000 is currently on sale for $18 plus shipping and handling! Be sure to sign-up for the N-Word in the top right corner and be the first on your block to own this evolution in gaming.

NinjaCamp is not responsible for any mental or physical damage this mouse may cause. Doberman food is not included.
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Valve spends 25 million, mostly on baby tattoos...

Fresh off the ninja wire comes news that Left 4 Dead 2 creator Valve is launching a media campaign the likes of which haven't been seen since Fox News had to cover up Bill O'Reilly's love of luffas.

Our crack ninja interview team had a chance to chat with Valve's VP of Media, Jehenny McGillischnipple, and see just what kind of ad campaign 25 million dollars can buy.

Ninja: Jehenny, this is a huge move for your company. What gives you the confidence that this game will be profitable after such a huge investment?

McGillischnipple: Good question. You know, we're really breaking ground with this game. As opposed to previous zombie titles, we're actually giving the user the ability to kill zombies...many of which are already dead. We at Valve feel this kind of out-of-the-box thinking really sets us head-and-shoulders above the competition.

NinjaCamp: Oh? I could have sworn I killed zombies in Left 4 Dea...

McGillischnips: No, no! Trust me this game is so different! I've brought a PowerPoint to show you...*click*

You see that? That is a zombie. Left 4 Dead 1 didn't have zombies like that!

Camp: Umm, yes, that's impressive. So let's discuss your media blitz. What kind of marketing does 25 million buy?

Nipsgalore: Let me just start by saying Baby Tattoos! *click*.

Picture this, you're in a two-floor mall, somewhere in the mid-west. Without warning "wham" baby attack! Our specialized team of baby throwers starts to shower you and your fellow gamers with balcony babies...each branded with this high quality tattoo. Now that's memorable!

We were lucky to discover that babies are so inexpensive! It turns out you can talk most mothers down around $500 a baby! Actually a few mothers gave us their babies for some McDonald's coupons we had lying around.

NCamp: Wow! OK...I could really see that catching on, I mean you haven't even touched puppies yet.

NippyNipNip: Totally. It's patented! We're going to take this baby thing for a ride then maybe move into puppies or kittens.

TheCamp: This may be hearsay, but recently we've uncovered a rumor that one of your promotions may...

NipSchlipenspiel: *click*.

McGareola: That's my car, isn't it bad-ass?

CampNWord: ...riiiight. Anyways, is it true you discovered a way to advertise using Swine Flu?

Nipenstein the Destroyer: Fuck right we did! What's big right now? What's in your face and on the tip of your tongue? H1N1 baby!

We've come up with a way to make sure that when you contract this deadly disease, you'll be thinking about us. I had to pull a few strings with some peeps in the CDC to get this to happen, but I think you'll all agree it was worth the effort.

Let me paint you a picture. You have H1N1. You're dying, you're sick, things aren't super. You need something to cheer you up. *click*.

You vomit blood and our patented Hemo-tising™ goes right to work, giving you something to smile about. Should you survive, you we'll even give you a 3% discount!

Ninjas with Attitude: Holy shit! Are you serious? We're getting the fuck out of here...

Nippopotamus: Thanks guys! Be sure to take one of the promotional petri dishes with you.

Why do all of our interviews end like this?
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NVIDIA Fermi - Defender of the Universe

It's time once again for the GPU (Graphics Processing Unit) makers of the world to pawn their latest chipsets, and it looks like Nvidia has come out swinging with Fermi!

512 Cores! That's 16 stream multiprocessors at 32 cores each, followed by a fatty GDDR5 memory architecture implemented inside of a six 64-bit channel bus wrapped in bacon and deep fried.

Oh...I'm I getting too geeky for you? Let me break this down in layman's terms.

OK, so you force your Xbox and PS3 to get married. After a long night of drinking and some sex, PS3 wakes up feeling a bit queazy. PS3 says "What happened last night?" Xbox is like "Honey, I pounded your Blu-ray like a two dollar hooker is what happened." PS3 laughs...and says "did you wear protection?" Xbox groans, "The Wii was in the other room, and you know how long it takes to slide into that thing." "It's fine, don't worry about it you're region protected anyway..."

Well, it turns out PS3s aren't region protected. Long story short, PS3 poops out a bouncing baby silicon wafer seven weeks later (average PS3 gestation period).

This baby, we'll call "Fermi" exhibits an exceptional range of abilities. By age three (femtoseconds), Fermi is as gifted in math and science as my Asian housekeeper. By age six (femtoseconds), Fermi graduates from Cal Tech, summa cum laude. By age nine (femtoseconds), Fermi forms the Legion of Super Units - Defenders of the Universe.

After saving a few babies from various alligator and crocodile attacks, Fermi is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Before the dust even settles, Nvidia is selling Fermi on a cloning deal that will net billions.

So far Nvidia is light on the details, however they did announce that the Fermi chip will ship along with an advanced cooling system...a back-up, advanced cooling system and a superhero cape.

Rest assured, will be chomping at the bit to get our hands on one of these sexy little bastards.

If you're as interested in Fermi's life as we are, be sure to sign up for the N-word in the top right corner!