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Epic Metal Gear Epic: Peacewalker's epic four hour epic trailer is so epic!

Did I mention how epic this trailer is?

Here's the problem...I think Hideo Kojima wants to direct movies, not video games. I realized this whilst starting to nod off during the double super-epic story progression in Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.

It's ironic...when I was a kid I'd live to see that badass pre-rendered graphic or movie at the end of a game. Now that we've come full circle, I'm like get me back into the fucking game!

Don't get me wrong here; I love the story telling and nobody does it like Hideo and his crack team, but it's getting out of hand. When MGS4 ends with a 45 minute, oscar nominated video...I'm losing interest. Along with the fact that it's SO FUCKING EPIC! The fate of the world lies on every word that comes out of Snake's mouth! (even "the") They amp up the drama so much that I'm typically pissing down my leg or crying half-way through the opening. They might as well call snake Jesus and slap a Mel Gibson sticker on the box. point is...let's not get caried away with all this glitz and glamour. Review these games based on their gameplay and force developers to concentrate on the part I am paying for.
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Warning: Wolfenstein may contain Nazis

I just wanted to take the time out of my busy schedule to post this alert. Wolfenstein, a game based entirely on Nazis, may contain Nazis! I know this is a shocker…so try to settle down.

We all expected the latest Wolfenstein to be about puppies and ponies, but surprisingly Activision Blizzard felt the need to make the story revolve solely around Nazis.

When asked for comment, Activision Blizzard Press Relations simply stated “Frankly we’re shocked that everyone expected a Nazi-less Wolfenstein. I mean, it’s Wolfenstein! Didn’t the first one end with Hitler?”

In an effort to control the public outcry, Activision Blizzard will be recalling all copies of the game to replace Third Reich symbols and terminology with either puppies or ponies.

Upon further review, the ESRB has decided to adjust the game's rating accordingly. The game will now bear the “E for Everyone” rating as the content has changed. When reached for comment the ESRB stated “How can you rate a game covered in puppies and ponies any harsher? We were contemplating the Early Childhood rating, but I think at least one of those ponies is hung like a zebra.”

Fortunatly has exclusive in game footage of these new edits:

I for one think the graphics are amazing! You can hardly see the changes. Additionally, with all of these puppies and ponies, I think this title is perfect for young and impressionable children.

I can only hope the future will bring even more Nazi-less Wolfenstein games!
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Hard working Ninjas

As you may have gathered, there was no new post yesterday. Our Ninjas have grown to expect hot and fresh content every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Alas, we're changing the game!

In an effort to actually produce our first video game, we'll be making updates on Tuesdays and Thursdays, starting...right...wait for it...waaaaiiitt...wait for it...FUCK I missed wait, it's still!

I know you'll miss our weekly hard-core triple post insertion, but don't worry ninja, we'll be giving you the sweet double blogging that you'll soon grow to love.

Also, keep your potatoes peeled for the upcoming NinjaCamp features that are sure to fill that gaping hole.

(get your goddamn mind out of the gutter!)
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Advertising evolution - the Sony way

Personally, I think the PS3 blows. I hate to be so blunt (I actually love being blunt), but let's face it...the system is horrible. Even die-hard fanboys have to admit, Sony tossed the ball out the window on this one.

That being said, I commend Sony for continuing to shove their shitty system down our throats. It's clear that they are working hard...and I like that. Let's examine shall we?

The first series of PlayStation 3 marketing was...ummm...well, completely fucking insane. Sony took this sort of "our system is your new Jesus" approach that mostly confused and scared the piss out of me. Exhibit A if you will:

I can say, in my lifetime, I have yet to buy a gaming console advertised using a demon baby. Unless you are knee-deep in a pile of crystal meth and feces...this ad just isn't going to make any sense.

Moving forward, Sony got off the pipe and decided to opt for something a bit more logical. The next series of commercials featured a whacked out, transforming PS3 (no doubt trying to capitalize on the Transformers movie) which would turn into crazy shit...then show you actual game play.

I quite liked these commercials. I mean, anytime my system turns into an octopus that has speaker arms and a dragons head...I'm intrigued.

But that still didn't quite slice the bologna. Sony needed a real winner to push their overpriced piece of garbage. Enter the comedy car-sales tactic.

Now we're talking! The first time I saw this...I laughed. I'll admit it. Does it make me want to buy the system? Absolutely not! But that's because I already know it is just horrible (FYI: I own one).

So, as you can see, Sony is putting a whole new shine on their $300 crapbox. It's hard to make it in this business (help a Ninja out) even if you are a monolythic gaming superpower. I mean, how the hell are you going to beat two Asian mobsters in a Wii-mobile telling random people "we would like to play?"
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The world needs more lego video games...

The world needs more Lego video I need a second hole in my cock! What the hell is going on with developers jumping on the Lego band wagon?

OK, Lego Star Wars was cute. Lego Indiana Jones...I guess that was a logical follow up? Lego Batman...hmmm, you're pushing it. Lego Harry Potter...OK, feel free to stop now. Lego Rock Band...please stop. Lego Mortal Kombat...come on, you just made that up! Lego Silent Hill...for fuck's sake!

In fact, I'm certain that by the year 2014 all new games will include Legos. This must be a political sneak attack on our video game rights!

Starting now, I'm begging my Ninjas to help to end this Lego uprising! In lieu of this horrifying wave of Lego games I suggest you start supporting my new line of My Little Pony games!

So far we've got My Little Star Wars, My Little 2001: A Space Odyssey and My Little Caligula. Pre-order now using the N-word sign up in the top right hand corner!

(actual ship date, development date, licensing, terms, price to be determined)
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Graphical limit has been reached (again...sigh)

Over the course of the last few years game developers have become increasingly whiny bitches. This is evidenced by the fact that there are non-stop press releases saying things like "cry cry...we can't make our game any better because of the platform."

Case in point: [CryCry], [CryCry More]

As you can tell by my "pre-slander", I think this is a bunch of shit! If anything, it's a marketing tactic. "My game is so badass...the system can't even play it!" Ya? Go fuck yourself!

Here's the deal: If you hired a half-assed development house to build you an NES game...right would be the best NES game to have ever existed. Why? Because of development technology. Things that NES developers struggled with, are no longer issues. With rich development languages, compression algorithms and existing frameworks it's damn near impossible to go backwards in terms of the system potential.

Case in point...Mega Man 9. Using the same basic engine as Mega Man 3, they were able to make a smoother, more graphically impressive gaming experience. Sure, it didn't release on the NES, but my bet is that the NES could run it.

So why are developers cry babies now? Who knows? Fast internet, big paychecks, hot wives...they've become accustom to the lives of rock stars. Granted, not all of them are spoiled. Just the ones I'm jealous of! Dicks!

So anyway, where do we go from here? Are our systems tapped? Should we cry about how games can never get better? NO! Best thing to do is to ignore bullshit like this, and stop fanboying it around the internet!
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Honoring the Dreamcast the ninja way

I know all of the "popular" video game media outlets choose to honor the Sega Dreamcast on 9.9.2009 (exactly ten years after release), but as you may have guessed, we're a little different.

You see, some of us had to work real jobs, for real survive...really! Ninja S and I couldn't afford to skip work and jaunt out to the local EB Games (now GameStop for you kiddies) and grab the system on a THURSDAY! Fucking slackers!!

No! We had to wait until Friday (one day late for those counting) to pick up our shiny tribute to Nippon...oh, but what a tribute it was!

Launch titles like Soul Calibur, Power Stone and Sonic Adventure helped to complete one of the best launches to date!

There wasn't any "I'm sorry, your fucking Wii is in another castle" bullshit either! When these puppies started rolling off the factory lines, they kept rolling! Using some secret voodoo business practice, Sega actually satisfied the demand right off the bat. Hell, EB Games even had my launch day t-shirt ready! (yes, I still have it)

Additionally, we shall not forget about the Dreamcast's unbelievable hacking potential. After one year on the market, the system was open wider than a thirty-cent hooker. Coupled with a CD burner and an internet connection, the Dreamcast was the definitive home console.

To this day I still have fond memories of that fantastic system. Ushering in the world of online console gaming–the Dreamcast was truly ahead of it's time.

I only hope the brilliant minds behind this product still sleep soundly atop a pile of cash and naked ladies (or men...we're not biased).
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Days without Swine Flu - 228 (and counting)

I'm sorry to hear about the PAX Swine Flu super pandemic outbreak which is currently ravaging the countryside inconveniencing attendees of the expo.

However, I did want to take one minute to note that it has been 228 days since KielbasaCon and we have yet to bury one of our attendees. Coincidence? I think not!

I believe this is further proof that KBX is the superior convention. In fact, I ninja swear that nobody will die at KBX 2KX...X! So get your sausage hat on...cause it's coming!
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Attention Ninjas - Holiday Attack! WHAAAAAAAA...AAHH

Happy Labor Day! I hope you aren't working...cause I'm not! Thank Sausage that Numseh, our secretary, is hard at work moving large buckets of stones for our budding empire!

[Go Go Numseh]

If you are however working, make sure to buy our shit! All proceeds will go toward hiring Numseh's younger brother Billy. (We have a lot of rocks!)
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Batman: Arkham Asylum - Guinness has gone too far

Remember when Guinness World Records used to mean something?

I mean, two fat asses absorbing riding mini bikes, the longest toenails, or even the worlds largest nuts...those are records! However, this Batman "record" is really rubbing me the wrong way.

Guinness has given Batman: Arkham Asylum the "Most Critically Acclaimed Superhero Game Ever" award. Umm...OK...that sounds good??

Maybe I just need to break it down a bit...the word "most" clearly implies that this particular game succeeds where all others have failed. (I can agree with that, I think?) Next "critical acclaim." Now we're talking! This game is fucking acclaimed by critics! (Wait, they say that about every game right?) The icing on the cake.'s a "superhero game!" (Wait!? What the fuck?)

Yes, that's right Ninjas...this is officially the stupidest record that the delicious beer company has ever awarded.

Well, I guess I can't complain. The game itself is, to quote GamerX, FUCKING AMAZING!! It seems The Joker has all sorts of tricks up his sleeve for this one!
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Top Secret Ninja Recipe!

Listen, gamers. I know what you're thinking. "Recipe? What the hell do I look like, Martha Stewart? Subway and Burger King have all the recipes I need!" WRONG. Let me tell you something about this recipe. If the fake ninja gaming association I belong to knew I was giving this shit out on my blog, they would debowel me faster than Shatner knocks on the door after a McDonalds breakfast. These things are so good you will cry like a newborn just from looking at them, let alone from putting them in your filthy mouths.

I literally climbed 7 mountains naked, backwards, and dirty after barely surviving an encounter with the Ravenous Demon Children of Schnai'nai Citadel just to get this fucker. All this just because I know college football is about to begin, and a ninja needs sustenance for a weekend filled with Batman and ass-kicking.

Without further ado, I give you... NINJA BALLS.

Make them. Make them and DIE FROM PLEASURE.

Ninja Balls

16 oz. peanut butter - Use JIF for god's sake, and none of this crunchy nonsense.
1 lb. powdered sugar
1 stick butter or margarine

Mix together...roll into small balls...chill. If you don't listen to me and neglect to chill these for a while, you will dishonor your ancestors AND fail epically at making ninja balls. You will be left with something stupid like Alliance Rhomboids.

12 oz. chocolate chips - Use Nestle Tollhouse unless you hate good things.
1 tablespoon Crisco - Not the Crisco you use for that, what the hell is wrong with you?

Melt together in double boiler. Dip peanut butter balls in the chocolate mixture using a toothpick or ninja spike BUT LEAVE THE TOP BARE. "Ninja S, why would we leave the top bare?" Well, I'll tell you why. If you don't leave a spot for all the awesome these are filled with to slowly leak out over time, THEY WILL EXPLODE IN YOUR BODY. You want your entrails liquefied? Not me.

Lay on wax paper until firm. Don't you dare eat these until they are firm like the mind of a ninja. Firm and delicious. You might even need your freezer or refridgerator to help with that. It is impossible to not eat 40 of these at a time so you might want to double the recipe.
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Attention fat gamers!

So, just like I do every start of the month, I hit up the DQ website to see what the Blizzard of the Month is. Holy mother of GOD. Do you see this thing?

The only way I could possibly see a blizzard beating this is if they made one with:

  • Lesbians
  • Fiber optic cable
  • iPhones
  • Ataris, and
  • Peanut Butter

At this rate maybe that's October. I have yet to try one but I can only assume it will be the best experience of my life when I do so, rivaling when Ninja F and I got in a fistfight in the Meijer parking lot. Ah, the good old days.