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Blizzcon Tutorial: Doing it WoW style - Day One

By now you should have hit the next level by following our starting zone tutorial. Once you're ready, it's time to move into the town of Blizzcontoria. Here you will see there are hundreds of available quests! Just remember, you can't do all of them! You'll want to choose wisely...I've listed the easiest 3 below.


Experience: 20pts
Start Point: Blizzcontoria
End Point: Hotelezon

Lady Ironsnatch has requested that you stop staring at her gargantuan mellons. Seeing as you are starving, you must find a way to enjoy those melons as soon as possible. Speak with Frankfurt Butterschnutz in the Blizzcontoria Tavern to learn of "magical melon granting phrases." Once you have acquired one of Butterschnutz's special phrases, speak it confidently to Lady Ironsnatch. If all goes well, she'll let you nibble on her mllons and possibly take some home to Hotelezon.

Ninja Tips : Figure out how to speak to women before trying. Lines like "hey baby, you want to see my huge epeen" don't fucking work! Try complimenting her on her DPS before you attempt to jam it in her mouth.


Experience: 15pts
Start Point: Blizzcontoria
End Point: Hotelezon

Judith Tangletwhat beckons you closer (probably because you smell so nice from the starting zone quests). On the surface, Judith looks to be a very desirable woman, but she hides a furry secret. You will need to obtain the trimmers of wahl from Johoney Beaverwhacker. Once equipped, the trimmers will protect you from surprise Worgen attacks, even if the moon is full. You might want to bring a friend or two to stave off the ambush.

Ninja Tips : Remember, if her face is hairier than yours, she probably doesn't know the meaning of vageenscaping. Ideally you can spot these in advance, but sometimes they trick you. Just make sure you're ready for the onslaught. Additional party members can certainly help your cause. Just remember two is a party and three is a rape.


Experience: 10pts
Start Point: Blizzcontoria
End Point: Hotelezon

Barium Cocksmen tells you that the town of Hotelezon is in dire need of some entertainment. He needs you to gather up as many female Night Elves as possible then return them to Hotelezon. It's known throughout the town of Blizzcontoria that female Night Elves love useless shiny objects. For this quest you will need to buy the shiniest belt buckle that Henrietta Firekrotch sells. Equip the buckle, then stroll through town. If you don't have at least 10 female night elves following you by the end of the main drag, you didn't buy the shiniest one!

Ninja Tips : Alliance players are fucking retarded. If things are looking grim, hit on their women. Remember, R-E-T-A-R-D-E-D...talk slow.



Blizzcontoria has tons of available quests...you'll want to pick and choose since you really only have two days. Also don't dick around in Hotelezon, just turn in the quests and get right back to questing. In this game, it's experience that really matters.

Stay tuned for the final tutorial!
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Blizzcon Tutorial: Doing it WoW style - Day Zero

Since Blizzcon is right around the corner, I wanted to write some simple tutorials to help you conquer it. I've broken them down into a quest based system for simplicity. Why? Because it's fucking Blizzcon!

So, let's review the starting zone quests which should be completed before Day 1:


Experience: 10pts
Start Point: Hotelezon
End Point: Hotelezon

Dervin Asscloud is in real need of a bath! The whole town of Hotelezon can smell him, but everyone is too scared to let him know. You will need to acquire the Soap of Two Thousand Levers from the vendor outside of town, then lure Dervin into the nearest lake. Once in the lake, you will use the Soap to scrub Dervin vigorously! While you are at it, why don't you give yourself a little love?

Ninja Tips : Don't smell like ass! Use the fucking shower you goddamn slobs! If I smell even one of your stinky asses I'm fucking punching you square in the face.


Experience: 15pts
Start Point: Hotelezon
End Point: Hotelezon

Evelynn Vageena wants you to take care of your unruly undergrowth. You'll need to recover the magic trimmers from Pubulor the Stink Maker, then use them to tame your wild growth. Once tamed, you should mix water, Orc shampoo, and Gnome conditioner into a fine lather. Apply this lather liberally to the recently tamed Bush of Doom, rinse and repeat.

Ninja Tips : If your pubes are hanging out the side of your shorts...you're fucking disgusting. Fix it!


Experience: 5pts
Start Point: Hotelezon
End Point: Hotelezon

Jehenny Deepthroat needs you to sprinkle some fairy dust on the Bush of Doom to keep it in a state of constant calm. You'll need to purchase some ground baby power from Execiel Pleseantballs in the Undercity. Gently sprinkle the item over the bush to remove that "fresh out of the grave scent."

Ninja Tips : Buy something to keep your fucking schnutz from stinking up the place. The ladies don't like your fromundacheese!



You will want to start practicing those quests right away because when B-day hits, there aren't going to be second chances! Once these quests become as natural to you as banging your right hand, you will be ready to enter the next town, Blizzcontoria.

Stay tuned for the next tutorial!
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What a time to start a video game company!

Let me just rehash my last 12 hours for you N-heads...my air conditioner failed, one of my water lines burst, my friends dog pissed on my carpet, and my cock got stuck in the toaster!

Normally that would be a regular Thursday, but then I get hit with a bombshell! "US Video Game sales sink in June, biggest drop in 9 years" Now that is just flat fucked up!

NinjaCamp is on the scene! The dream of dreams, the king of kielbasa, the best goddamn video game company in the world is here...and this is what I'm reading? People, don't scare me! I know times are tough, and we are all broke (trust me that AC unit was a $400 fix), but I implore you...buy some video games :).

We aren't even selling our game yet, but I still want people out there driving the industry. If anything...buy indie games! I mean, have you ever even played World of Goo, Crayon Physics Deluxe or Braid? These are great games (Not as great as the super secret Ninja Death Crazy Game being developed by us) and you should get playing!

And for hell's sake...stop stealing them! A good game deserves a fair payment. Steal EA games or something. (For the sake of legal concerns please don't steal anything) That fucking monolithic company has been pumping buggy shit down our throats for years now!

In closing, send us some money!
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Twitter and eating Girl Scouts

Double-duty action post tonight. First, even ninjas tweet! We have a new Twitter account and you should all become our cultists by following us. Click here to do so.

Second, holy crap. I don't want to be a DQ fanboy or anything but that is some crazy good shit. DAMN.
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Reviewing games that no longer need reviewed.

As part of NinjaCamp.com's ongoing effort to "shock and awe," I present you with amazing reviews, of amazing games, which have already been reviewed...AMAZING!

Our good buddy GamerX has been hard at work producing more reviews than you could shake a controller at. Granted, that's why we hired a prime-time, teen-age video game junkie to write reviews.

You know, had I spent as much time gaming as I did jerking when I was 15...umm...how about checking out those reviews?
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Ouch...my brain

I spent the last 3 hours slaving away on our new website...and my brain is tired! I wish I could just push the magic "I'm finished" button and show all of you sexy readers the UI which will bring critical acclaim, but at this point it still looks quite assy.

I will however whet your pallets with a sneak peak into NinjaCamp release 1.0.8544347_salamiRoni.

Sneak peak
As you can clearly see, this site is going to be amazing. I mean, what is that? Is it blood? Is it mountains? Is it bloody mountains?? You will just have to wait and see!

In other news, we've created our first ever video tutorial! This sexy piece of work shows you how to complete the Argent Tournament Daily quests without sucking.

I actually used it, and I now suck considerably less. I have to thank McQoqenspiel for his excellent video and very calming narrating skills.

Keep your little eyes reading...and get ready to start shelling out money for our oncoming onslaught of shitty merchandise!