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Valve spends 25 million, mostly on baby tattoos...

Fresh off the ninja wire comes news that Left 4 Dead 2 creator Valve is launching a media campaign the likes of which haven't been seen since Fox News had to cover up Bill O'Reilly's love of luffas.

Our crack ninja interview team had a chance to chat with Valve's VP of Media, Jehenny McGillischnipple, and see just what kind of ad campaign 25 million dollars can buy.

Ninja: Jehenny, this is a huge move for your company. What gives you the confidence that this game will be profitable after such a huge investment?

McGillischnipple: Good question. You know, we're really breaking ground with this game. As opposed to previous zombie titles, we're actually giving the user the ability to kill zombies...many of which are already dead. We at Valve feel this kind of out-of-the-box thinking really sets us head-and-shoulders above the competition.

NinjaCamp: Oh? I could have sworn I killed zombies in Left 4 Dea...

McGillischnips: No, no! Trust me this game is so different! I've brought a PowerPoint to show you...*click*

You see that? That is a zombie. Left 4 Dead 1 didn't have zombies like that!

Camp: Umm, yes, that's impressive. So let's discuss your media blitz. What kind of marketing does 25 million buy?

Nipsgalore: Let me just start by saying Baby Tattoos! *click*.

Picture this, you're in a two-floor mall, somewhere in the mid-west. Without warning "wham" baby attack! Our specialized team of baby throwers starts to shower you and your fellow gamers with balcony babies...each branded with this high quality tattoo. Now that's memorable!

We were lucky to discover that babies are so inexpensive! It turns out you can talk most mothers down around $500 a baby! Actually a few mothers gave us their babies for some McDonald's coupons we had lying around.

NCamp: Wow! OK...I could really see that catching on, I mean you haven't even touched puppies yet.

NippyNipNip: Totally. It's patented! We're going to take this baby thing for a ride then maybe move into puppies or kittens.

TheCamp: This may be hearsay, but recently we've uncovered a rumor that one of your promotions may...

NipSchlipenspiel: *click*.

McGareola: That's my car, isn't it bad-ass?

CampNWord: ...riiiight. Anyways, is it true you discovered a way to advertise using Swine Flu?

Nipenstein the Destroyer: Fuck right we did! What's big right now? What's in your face and on the tip of your tongue? H1N1 baby!

We've come up with a way to make sure that when you contract this deadly disease, you'll be thinking about us. I had to pull a few strings with some peeps in the CDC to get this to happen, but I think you'll all agree it was worth the effort.

Let me paint you a picture. You have H1N1. You're dying, you're sick, things aren't super. You need something to cheer you up. *click*.

You vomit blood and our patented Hemo-tising™ goes right to work, giving you something to smile about. Should you survive, you we'll even give you a 3% discount!

Ninjas with Attitude: Holy shit! Are you serious? We're getting the fuck out of here...

Nippopotamus: Thanks guys! Be sure to take one of the promotional petri dishes with you.

Why do all of our interviews end like this?