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One mouse to rule them all

I'm saddened to say that my Logitech MX Revolution has one foot in the grave, and Logitech is ignoring my cry for help. You might think a $100 mouse (old retail) would warrant some sort of company response?

Thank you for purchasing our most expensive, high-tech mouse.

At Logitech we do everything in our power to make sure our customers feel like they've wasted their hard-earned dollars on a piece of absolute shit. Because of this, I'm writing to inform you that we are not interested in fixing any problems you're currently experiencing. In fact, we think you are a fucking asshole and would appreciate it greatly if you continued to buy our newest and most expensive shit.

In lieu of any sort of replacement we will be fedex-ing a box of human excrement, overnight, to your door. Please except this "gift" as a token of our appreciation.

Your friends…FUCK YOU!

So, long story short, I've been in the market for a new mouse.

Last time I bought a mouse (the MX was a gift) it had two buttons and the scroll wheel was an optional feature. Let's just say now-a-days the mouse market is fairly different.

Since I am, of course, a "hard-core" gamer, I thought it only fitting that I begin shopping for what they now call gaming mice. Little did I know that gaming mice come in so many flavors.

To start, it appears most new gaming mice require the use of at least two hands. I mean, these fucking things have tons of programmable buttons, wheels, gyroscopes, composite materials, non-composite materials, bacon… I mean, they are insane!

So I tried my best to focus on what I really want. Based on my needs I came up with these simple requirements: wireless, inexpensive and comfortable. Simple enough right? Wrong!

First off, gaming mice aren't wireless! Amazing, I know. Technology that we've had since umm, say 1812, isn't available to gamers for reasonable rates. OK, so scratch that. Comfortable? If you consider a lemon wrapped in razors comfortable for your everyday gaming…buy anything currently on the market. Other than that…they all feel like I'm grabbing an old ladies wrinkled sausage. So inexpensive?? Ya right! If you want more than one button and a sack of jimmies you're paying for it! These little bastards go as high as $130 each!

Clearly the world at large doesn't have the kind of mouse I need! So I give up! NO! Ninjas don't give up! Rather than dishonor my gaming ancestors I hit the garage and fashioned myself the one mouse to rule them all. I'm calling it "The NinjaCamp Sexmouse Bratwurst 9000" and boy is it a dandy.

Powered by dual Millennium Falcon reactors, this mouse aims to complete the Kessel Run in less than six parsecs. The housing is crafted entirely from vibrators used only on the cleanest of porno stars, while the buttons are made from hand-carved black diamonds. The quad-exhaust system helps to maintain a perfectly comfortable surface temperature of 72.8 degrees fahrenheit.

During the initial set-up procedure, the doberman pinscher will be acclimated to your scent whereas from that point forward he will sherd the fingers of any non-authorized users. The coffee maker produces up to two gallons of perfectly sweetened/creamed coffee every 20 minutes, during which time the psionic control system massages your testicular region.

You want a wireless gaming mouse? NinjaCamp says "fuck wireless, hello telepathy!" That's right, this is the first mouse to use a special band of telepathic communication to communicate directly with the mainframe that hosts your favorite online game. Lag becomes a thing of the past when the mouse is actually capable of predictive time travel!

Oh, and don't think we left out the features you need to destroy the competition. This mouse features an array of anti-asshole missiles designed to literally kill that 13 year dick job who's been spawn camping you for the last nine hours. With a simple flick of the wrist, a volley of Navy grade surface-to-sea-to-air-to-surface missiles will take care of that asshole, and his closest relatives. Talk about cleaning out the gene pool…this mouse has everything!

You might think that these great features are going to break the bank, but you would be wrong. The NinjaCamp Sexmouse Bratwurst 9000 is currently on sale for $18 plus shipping and handling! Be sure to sign-up for the N-Word in the top right corner and be the first on your block to own this evolution in gaming.

NinjaCamp is not responsible for any mental or physical damage this mouse may cause. Doberman food is not included.